Mixed Feelings

Today I am having mixed emotions. This would have been the day that we announced that I was pregnant with our second child, the beginning of my second trimester. But, as it turns out, that is not the case. Some of you may have noticed me making comments about things being difficult for us lately, and I think that I have waded through the emotions enough now to actually talk about it.

Most people who know us know that my last pregnancy ended in a less than ideal way. My water broke at just past 31 weeks and I was flown to Great Falls where I was thankfully able to stay pregnant for almost 3 more weeks. It turns out I had HELLP Syndrome, which occurs in about 1 in 1000 pregnancies to some degree. My case could most definitely have been much worse, and I believe that the outpouring of prayers is what kept me pregnant as long as I was. Damon was born via emergency c-section on February 7th, 2011, at 3 lbs 10 oz and 17 inches long, and had to stay in the NICU there for three weeks because his suck reflex was not yet developed.

By the time I went into the OR, my platelet count was at 84,000, my blood pressure was 186/127 and they were worried about seizures. I had complications with the anesthesia, my temp dropped to 94 degrees, and that night after the surgery was not fun in any way. That is one of the problems with HELLP, it can continue to worsen for another day after the baby comes out before you start to get better. Because my platelet count was low, I bled a lot and it took a long time for my incision to heal, especially since it opened when they removed the staples.

Obviously I know it could have been worse. So SO much worse. Damon had Apgar scores of 9 and 9 despite his size and his lungs were developed, despite tests of my amniotic fluid that said he would not be able to breathe on his own. But what Nic and I went through then was not an experience we hope to ever repeat. Nic had to drive back and forth between Bozeman and Great Falls because we had no idea how long I would be in the hospital, first while still pregnant and then after Damon was born. We don't do well apart from each other, but we still had bills to pay.  We finally got to take our baby home on March 3rd, 2011. Thankfully we had health insurance at the time, because our bill amounted to over $153,000. Even though most it of was paid, we are still making payments on our remaining bills from both Bozeman Deaconess and Benefis in Great Falls.

I had planned to breast feed, but since he was so tiny I had been pumping. It took a really long time for my milk to come in because of the huge amount of fluid I retained after my surgery, plus the drugs I was on. I struggled to get him to latch and once my milk came in I was able to provide that for him for the rest of his stay in the NICU. There were times I was so beyond frustrated with everything, but I knew that I wanted to provide him with whatever I could to help him gain weight and be healthy.  I actually continued to pump full time until he was 4 months old and he finally started to nurse really well. I absolutely don't regret that, although I have to say I wouldn't want to have to pump exclusively again!!!

I don't think I ever had Post-partum depression, at least I never blamed my baby or lost interest in him or didn't feel like I was able to take care of him.  But I felt very insecure about my body and I had frequent flashbacks of my time in the hospital. I felt down a lot, mostly about myself. It was strange for me to be no longer contributing as far as earning money, and Nic was working really long days, 65-75 hours a week.

Initially, we had planned to have 2 or 3 kids. We knew that after Damon we needed to wait awhile, so in April I got the Mirena IUD, which is supposed to last for 5 years.  The reason I picked the IUD with hormones instead of the one without is that I personally don't like the thought of eggs being constantly fertilized and then not able to implant. With the hormones it prevents ovulation, so it is supposed to be like a pill you don't have to think about. The reason I did not choose a birth control pill is that I had been on one for about 4 years that started out fine, but near the end I was getting incredibly depressed the week of my period, literally hating myself. I switched to another pill, but that one was worse, plus I barely even wanted Nic to hug me. I didn't want to be touched. I went off that pill and 4 months later I got pregnant with Damon.  At any rate, I thought it would be better and it gave us enough time to plan what we would do next.

Over the following months, we came to the conclusion that it was not worth the 27% risk of me getting HELLP again. If we decided to have another child later on, we could adopt. Meanwhile, my emotions were more and more out of whack. I was having panic attacks and crazy freak outs where I would suddenly be violently sobbing over some little thing, but 5 minutes later I would be normal again. In September I decided to remove the IUD, as I thought it was causing the anxiety.  I did return mostly to normal then, but once my periods started again I crashed into depression. I would sit here and sob, hating myself and my body, feeling worthless and ugly. One thing that was making those feelings worse was my face. About 2 days before Damon was born, my forehead broke out horribly.  I have always had some zits, but this was new. I thought maybe it had something to do with my milk production, and I always hoped it would go away when I stopped breastfeeding. My skin had been mostly clear throughout my pregnancy. It got worse and worse, with huge, cystic, really painful zits popping up all over my face. It hurt to talk or smile or eat. I admit that I edit most of the pictures that I post on Facebook of myself, because I can't stand how horrible my skin has become.

Eventually I found that taking a B-Complex vitamin helped with my irregular emotions. If we had been able to afford counseling for me, I probably would have benefited! But I have to say that the vitamins have helped SOOO much. It sounds weird, and simple, but I recommend it now to any woman who has strong PMS symptoms, at least to try. I have two friends who have tried it and they said it helped them too.

At any rate, by December 2011 we had decided that we were totally done having babies. We scheduled a vasectomy for Nic in January 2012. Everything went fine, we returned a sample in March that showed he still had active sperm, so we waited another 6 weeks. In May we got the all clear.

Fast forward to September 3rd, 2012.  My emotions had been a bit out of whack and my period was due, but just for the heck of it I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.  I took another and another. Still positive.  It was beyond shocking and incredibly scary.  The funny part was that the night before we had gone to Mongolian BBQ and gotten fortune cookies.  All three said the same thing: "A surprise will titillate you and frighten you but you will accept it." Really weird!

We had no idea how we would afford another baby.  Damon is the only one of us with insurance currently. Nic was planning on heading back to school in the fall of 2013, but suddenly we were trying to get him there sooner and figure out how we would pay off our debts. We thought we should move to Great Falls to be close to my mom, so she could help me out with Damon and the new baby when it came, so he started looking for jobs. It was either that or go to school earlier, but he wanted the options. Also, the perinatalogist that has treated me at the end of my last pregnancy is there, and I had no idea what might happen. It was possible I could carry to 40 weeks with no complications, but there was a 1 in 4 chance that I would get HELLP again. I could have another preemie.

Obviously something had gone wrong with the vasectomy, or it had grown back despite being cut, cauterized and tied, a 1 in about 3500 chance. We had him tested again and he was indeed fertile. Unfortunately, they wouldn't know what happened unless they did the procedure again, and we would once again have to pay full price.  So that is currently out of the question.

We drove to Great Falls the next week to tell my family that we were unexpectedly expecting. Of course we were met with shock, but also offers of help and we do make cute babies. ;)  Unfortunately, the night before we were supposed to leave, Damon was having breathing problems and we had to take him to the ER. We spent most of the next day there, my mom bought him a nebulizer that we could keep, and we were able to return home. They can't diagnose it yet, but I imagine he may have some asthma problems as he grows. I did when I was little and grew out of it. Anyway, that was stressful and we were happy to be able to go home.

In the car, we talked a lot about what this new baby would mean for us. I think both of us hoped it would be a girl, although we would love either! We thought of names that would go well with Damon. We were finally coming to terms with the fact that this was happening. It had taken about two weeks to overcome the shock of finding out that things were going to be very different than we expected.

That night I started spotting. Just a teeny, tiny bit. I called an OB-GYN here and she had be come in to give blood for an HCG test. I would return two days later to see if the number went up (indicating a growing baby) or down (a miscarriage.) The bleeding increased and I was not feeling very hopeful that our baby had survived. I had experienced a miscarriage once before and I was not looking forward to the pain of another one. The cramping is horrible and the whole thing is just sad. After my second blood test, we found out that I had indeed miscarried at 6 weeks.

Suddenly, everything was back to normal. We didn't have to move, we didn't have to worry about my health... we were going to stay a family of three.  I think both of us feel a little guilty for being relieved.  We did not want another baby... but, we did want that baby, if that makes sense.  The emotional roller coaster that few weeks was beyond ridiculous. It was scary, stressful, exciting and ultimately, sad. I am debating going back on birth control pills, as we need something reliable and my skin was always pretty good when I was on them. It is just a matter of finding one that doesn't make me crazy... so that could be a project.  I am so embarrassed about my skin now.

A week or so after my miscarriage, Nic slipped at work and the injury aggravated an ACL injury he sustained in high school.  He has been in a lot of pain, and just last week he had surgery to repair the ACL and stabilize his knee. This pic is before he went in.

As I type this, things don't seem so bad.  I guess it depends on the day.  I have a wonderful husband and beautiful little boy that I love SO so much. We have each other. And I know we will get through whatever life throws at us. September just wasn't a good month at all! I'm really hoping for no big surprises for awhile!!

Updates Coming Soon

It has been so long since I updated this blog. After our son, Damon, was born, there was just too much going on. And since I didn't update it right away it just fell by the wayside. I have recently started up a cooking and baking blog that I will be updating frequently, and over the next few months I will try to get this one up to speed. Until then, enjoy my recipes at The Secret Ingredient is Love cooking blog.

Unexpected Upheaval

The last week has been somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster! As most of you know, last Thursday the 20th at 3:40 AM I woke up to my water breaking. Since I was only at 31 and 2/7 weeks (out of 40) it was obviously much too early for baby to be thinking about making his debut into the world. I was able to shower quickly and pack just a few things before we rushed to the hospital to meet our midwife. She had let us know that Bozeman does not have a NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) and therefore I would need to be flown to either Great Falls, Billings or Missoula because the hospitals in those cities would be equipped to handle preemie babies. Of course we chose Great Falls since my mom, stepfather and grandma live there.

Upon arriving at the hospital (thankfully our midwife let them know we were coming, explained everything to them and transferred my chart) I was hooked up to all sorts of drugs to keep me from going into labor. My blood pressure was running a bit high, but honestly I would like to see anyone keep a normal blood pressure while shaking from the after-effects of adrenaline. I received a steroid shot in the bum to help jump-start the baby's lung development. We were told that if I could stay pregnant at least long enough to get the second shot the next morning it would be preferable for his lungs, and even better if we could make it 72 hours to let it really get in there and get working. The steroid shots aren't a guarantee, and apparently for some reason they are sometimes less effective in boy babies but we're hoping it gave his body a little wake-up call that he might be coming out sooner than expected.

They put a catheter in (UGH) and after a couple hours, the flight team from Great Falls arrived and Nic headed to Great Falls on his own in our car. He couldn't ride with me in the helicopter anyway (too tiny) but he knew it would be better for him to have transportation. I was transferred to a gurney, strapped to it and loaded into the helicopter. It really wasn't a fun flight. I don't get motion sickness, but it was incredibly windy and we were getting buffeted all over the place. It was also really really loud and they didn't have extra headphones so I arrived in Great Falls with a pretty bad headache.

We got to Great Falls around 11:00AM, and they brought me to the room I've been in for the last week. I was still hooked up to about 4 bags of random stuff through the IV, I was getting shots every four hours in the backs of my arms (apparently it works better in fatty tissue but I was feeling bitter that I had already had two separate IV's and they couldn't just stick it in that.) Apparently in the helicopter I had fallen into a labor pattern (I wasn't feeling it but when I arrived and got on the monitors the doctor was concerned) so they put a stop to that with more meds. Nic arrived and we got an ultrasound to check to see how much fluid was left and to see how big baby was size-wise. They estimated that he was about 3 pounds, 8 ounces.

After that we couldn't do much but wait. One of the biggest worries after the bag of waters breaks is that there will be an infection that will compromise either me or the baby. I wasn't feeling all that great from being bombarded with medications and antibiotics, but the whole time baby's heartbeat has been really strong and he hasn't shown signs of distress. On Saturday they took out the catheter and let me take a shower. Around that time I started puffing up really badly, my blood pressure kept rising and my organ systems were apparently starting to get involved. I peaked at 175/107 and our doctor, Dr. Key, ordered more labs to see how quickly these problems were progressing. I think they took 10 vials of blood that day. We knew that if things didn't look good it was possible that I would be getting a c-section that evening or more possibly the next morning because he didn't want to stress my body more by inducing me and allowing my body to go through a vaginal delivery.

But all of a sudden my blood pressure started to come down. In less than a day it was 110/63. My labs didn't really look a lot better but they weren't getting worse either. The puffiness started subsiding. There are no signs of infection. And now we've made it past 32 weeks (Tuesday.) I'm hoping that this will continue and he'll stay inside awhile longer, at least to give his lungs some extra time. We toured the NICU and while it's nice to know he will be in good hands, it broke my heart to see all those teeny tiny babies. We had another ultrasound yesterday that showed an improvement in the amount of fluid (it is constantly being replenished and I'm not leaking as much) and it almost looks like the little bit that I was dilated has undone itself.

Today I feel kind of tired and out of it, but I think that's partly due to me being sad that Nic is back in Bozeman. He was able to stay with me until yesterday afternoon, but we definitely need the money so he had to go back to work. My blood pressure was just 118/72 and Dr. Key just let me know that my labs look good. So I'm thankful for another day of waiting.

It is sometimes hard to come to grips with changes in plans. Originally we had wanted a natural birth with limited interventions and so that is the path that we chose for us and the baby. But obviously at this point the baby's health is the most important, and these aren't normal circumstances. I'm hoping that he won't be born at least for a couple more weeks, that I can hold on and give him some more time that he needs to mature. I'm scared that I won't be able to hold him and his tininess and fragility terrify me. I pray that we will no have bonding problems, I hope that eventually we will be able to breastfeed somewhat normally. I'm thankful we are at a facility that will be able to handle whatever problems he may have and that there's really not a question of his survivability at this point, it's just a question of how much help he will need once he comes out. As I type this he's bumping all over the place and kicking the crap out of the monitor on my tummy, so I guess I feel pretty confident he will have the strength to pull through whatever he has to deal with. I just hope to give him the extra time that he needs so that he doesn't have to work as hard just to exist as soon as he comes out.

I am especially thankful for everyone's prayers and thoughts. I obviously don't have anything to do with my symptoms suddenly improving/disappearing and I know many people (even ones we don't know) are keeping us in their prayers and I believe it has helped tremendously so far. I'm also thankful to everyone who has stopped by or sent a note or a treat or flowers... it's especially nice to have those to look at now that my hubby isn't able to stay here 24/7.

We will continue to keep everyone posted as much as possible... I'm hopeful that you won't be hearing any big news for awhile. :)

Time at Home

I have to say that I am definitely enjoying my time at home so far. Nic got up early and made me breakfast in bed this morning!! He's the best hubby ever. He works so hard and such long hours and he still does everything in his power to make me happy. He made blueberry cream cheese filled french toast, cheesy eggs, beef sausage with a side of fruit! And I LOVE the happy carnations! Here it is before I ate it:



For those of you who don't know, the pressure of our little boy in my abdomen has caused an inguinal hernia to form, which isn't super common in women but can happen. I had surgery for one on my right side when I was 18 months old, so maybe I'm somehow predisposed to them. At any rate, everything is good with the pregnancy itself, and our baby boy is healthy, but when I'm on my feet for a period of time it starts to get painful. I also have really limited weight lifting restrictions now. As a result, it was decided that it would be better for me not to be working. We're hoping as baby gets bigger and things shift around again some of the pressure will be taken off that area. At any rate, I'll be able to get it fixed about a month after giving birth.

I've been a little bit blobby the last few days, especially since it's been so cold and snowy outside. I have lots of books to read before the baby comes... both fiction and birth/newborn related. I really want to get back into writing every day. It's hard to get back into once you've fallen out of the habit!

I've also been looking up and printing recipes and planning meals. It's hard sometimes since Nic is at work a lot and I have lots of meals by myself. I've found I don't always feel like eating what I've planned lately. I'll blame pregnancy cravings and such for that. Mostly if I decide I want something I really really want it until I get it. :) Nothing weird, though!

I need to organize the baby things we have received already and continue going through all the magazines I have so I can save what recipes and things I want to keep and get rid of the rest.

We have just over 15 weeks until my due date... and I know he could be here even before that! Lots to do, just have to motivate myself to do it while still staying off my feet most of the time and resting. I guess that's all for now. Here are some raspberry- and apricot-filled thumbprint cookies I just baked!



I should stop eating them... probably giving baby a sugar rush. I can feel him bumping around!

It's a boy!

Yesterday we had a 21 week ultrasound. It was really an amazing experience. We had a couple before that weren't at all in depth and were earlier in the pregnancy, at 8 and 14 weeks. During this one we got to see EVERYTHING. We got to see all through his little brain, and all the parts of it look perfect. We could see his little nose and mouth and even his tongue moving in his mouth! He wiggled all over the place and sucked his thumb and streeeetched all the way out. It was really amazing feeling his big movements and seeing it at the same time on the screen. We saw his heart, all four chambers beating away at 144 bpm, and even the arteries going in and coming out of it. The tech showed him in cross-section all the way down his body... lungs, diaphragm, stomach, kidneys... and of course that was when we learned that he is most definitely a boy. I probably shouldn't post this, but I'm going to do it anyway because it makes me smile at how obvious it is.



We saw where the umbilical cord attached to him and the placenta, and the tech was able to color the blood flow based on the movement so we saw red blood twisting in the cord into his body and blue blood going back out. His spine and all the attachments and fluid looked great as well!

We saw five fingers on his hands and his little feet look perfect too! I guess the toes are harder to see so they look and make sure it looks like they have "at least" five toes on each foot, lol.



It was amazing seeing the bones in his little body so clearly.




She measured his head and femur bone and the size of his body and everything was perfect as far as dating. I think our official due date is now March 23rd, 2011. It's funny how it's been the 22nd, the 23rd and the 24th... so really it doesn't matter, we know it will be sometime around there.

This morning I woke up and felt him wiggling around and realized that we are going to have a SON. It really hit me harder than it has before. It's amazing and scary and wonderful, but I can't wait to hold him. :) Bye for now!

New Haircut!

I have no idea when my last haircut was. I vaguely remember being in a hair salon a LONG time ago and after that there was one time we got my hair braided... I think that was in middle school! My salon experience is minimal at best. So last week when my mom and I were walking through the mall and one of the Regis stylists ran out the door and asked me to be a model for a class they were having about working with "ethnic" hair I decided maybe a free haircut wouldn't be a bad thing.

I totally didn't want to go this morning. It's scary having someone mess with how you look! But I did go, and after a wash and condition the instructor cut my hair! It was sad seeing all those little fluffballs on the floor of the salon, lol. Then I made a comment about how I would have no idea what to do to straighten my hair, and he asked if I wanted him to do it. So I said yes! He rinsed it, blow-dryed and flat-ironed it on about 20 mins. I'm sure it would take me an hour at least and it wouldn't be as smooth. But since he had cut my hair into a good shape and gotten rid of some of the damaged ends, it looks pretty good straight too. I look like a totally different person! I sent my mom a pic and she didn't know who it was at first, lol.




Tomorrow after I wash it I will have to take a curly pic of it down... it's going to be weird since it was so uneven before. It feels like it's still long enough that I'll get a good ponytail out of it... and your hair is supposed to grow extra when you are pregnant so even if it's a little short hopefully it will grow back quickly!!

Super HUGE news!

Well, I was planning on waiting a bit longer before I posted this online but I think most of the people we wanted to tell right away already know and even though there is a tiny chance something could happen since I'm still in the first trimester, we are going to be positive and post a blog about being preggers!

We went to the free womens clinic this morning and had an ultrasound... looks like baby is doing just fine so far! Perfect size for 8 weeks and 1 day, heart beating at 162 bpm! And the little one was moving around while we were trying to get a good pic.


From the side, and baby was waving "Hi!" (head on top, tiny arm out front)


A little bit upside down! (Head on the left, bum on the right, back along the top)

It was so amazing to see that little heart fluttering and know that I have our BABY inside me! Still boggles my mind! It really put my mind at ease to see that it's really in there.

I'm due March 24, 2011!!

Now that I've said that I forgot all the other stuff I wanted to blog about. I felt like I couldn't blog since I found out because I wanted to post it!! I've barely even been updating my Facebook statuses, lol. Well, I will think of it soon. I guess I need to blog about our CA trip but I have to organize pics a bit first!