Mixed Feelings

Today I am having mixed emotions. This would have been the day that we announced that I was pregnant with our second child, the beginning of my second trimester. But, as it turns out, that is not the case. Some of you may have noticed me making comments about things being difficult for us lately, and I think that I have waded through the emotions enough now to actually talk about it.

Most people who know us know that my last pregnancy ended in a less than ideal way. My water broke at just past 31 weeks and I was flown to Great Falls where I was thankfully able to stay pregnant for almost 3 more weeks. It turns out I had HELLP Syndrome, which occurs in about 1 in 1000 pregnancies to some degree. My case could most definitely have been much worse, and I believe that the outpouring of prayers is what kept me pregnant as long as I was. Damon was born via emergency c-section on February 7th, 2011, at 3 lbs 10 oz and 17 inches long, and had to stay in the NICU there for three weeks because his suck reflex was not yet developed.

By the time I went into the OR, my platelet count was at 84,000, my blood pressure was 186/127 and they were worried about seizures. I had complications with the anesthesia, my temp dropped to 94 degrees, and that night after the surgery was not fun in any way. That is one of the problems with HELLP, it can continue to worsen for another day after the baby comes out before you start to get better. Because my platelet count was low, I bled a lot and it took a long time for my incision to heal, especially since it opened when they removed the staples.

Obviously I know it could have been worse. So SO much worse. Damon had Apgar scores of 9 and 9 despite his size and his lungs were developed, despite tests of my amniotic fluid that said he would not be able to breathe on his own. But what Nic and I went through then was not an experience we hope to ever repeat. Nic had to drive back and forth between Bozeman and Great Falls because we had no idea how long I would be in the hospital, first while still pregnant and then after Damon was born. We don't do well apart from each other, but we still had bills to pay.  We finally got to take our baby home on March 3rd, 2011. Thankfully we had health insurance at the time, because our bill amounted to over $153,000. Even though most it of was paid, we are still making payments on our remaining bills from both Bozeman Deaconess and Benefis in Great Falls.

I had planned to breast feed, but since he was so tiny I had been pumping. It took a really long time for my milk to come in because of the huge amount of fluid I retained after my surgery, plus the drugs I was on. I struggled to get him to latch and once my milk came in I was able to provide that for him for the rest of his stay in the NICU. There were times I was so beyond frustrated with everything, but I knew that I wanted to provide him with whatever I could to help him gain weight and be healthy.  I actually continued to pump full time until he was 4 months old and he finally started to nurse really well. I absolutely don't regret that, although I have to say I wouldn't want to have to pump exclusively again!!!

I don't think I ever had Post-partum depression, at least I never blamed my baby or lost interest in him or didn't feel like I was able to take care of him.  But I felt very insecure about my body and I had frequent flashbacks of my time in the hospital. I felt down a lot, mostly about myself. It was strange for me to be no longer contributing as far as earning money, and Nic was working really long days, 65-75 hours a week.

Initially, we had planned to have 2 or 3 kids. We knew that after Damon we needed to wait awhile, so in April I got the Mirena IUD, which is supposed to last for 5 years.  The reason I picked the IUD with hormones instead of the one without is that I personally don't like the thought of eggs being constantly fertilized and then not able to implant. With the hormones it prevents ovulation, so it is supposed to be like a pill you don't have to think about. The reason I did not choose a birth control pill is that I had been on one for about 4 years that started out fine, but near the end I was getting incredibly depressed the week of my period, literally hating myself. I switched to another pill, but that one was worse, plus I barely even wanted Nic to hug me. I didn't want to be touched. I went off that pill and 4 months later I got pregnant with Damon.  At any rate, I thought it would be better and it gave us enough time to plan what we would do next.

Over the following months, we came to the conclusion that it was not worth the 27% risk of me getting HELLP again. If we decided to have another child later on, we could adopt. Meanwhile, my emotions were more and more out of whack. I was having panic attacks and crazy freak outs where I would suddenly be violently sobbing over some little thing, but 5 minutes later I would be normal again. In September I decided to remove the IUD, as I thought it was causing the anxiety.  I did return mostly to normal then, but once my periods started again I crashed into depression. I would sit here and sob, hating myself and my body, feeling worthless and ugly. One thing that was making those feelings worse was my face. About 2 days before Damon was born, my forehead broke out horribly.  I have always had some zits, but this was new. I thought maybe it had something to do with my milk production, and I always hoped it would go away when I stopped breastfeeding. My skin had been mostly clear throughout my pregnancy. It got worse and worse, with huge, cystic, really painful zits popping up all over my face. It hurt to talk or smile or eat. I admit that I edit most of the pictures that I post on Facebook of myself, because I can't stand how horrible my skin has become.

Eventually I found that taking a B-Complex vitamin helped with my irregular emotions. If we had been able to afford counseling for me, I probably would have benefited! But I have to say that the vitamins have helped SOOO much. It sounds weird, and simple, but I recommend it now to any woman who has strong PMS symptoms, at least to try. I have two friends who have tried it and they said it helped them too.

At any rate, by December 2011 we had decided that we were totally done having babies. We scheduled a vasectomy for Nic in January 2012. Everything went fine, we returned a sample in March that showed he still had active sperm, so we waited another 6 weeks. In May we got the all clear.

Fast forward to September 3rd, 2012.  My emotions had been a bit out of whack and my period was due, but just for the heck of it I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.  I took another and another. Still positive.  It was beyond shocking and incredibly scary.  The funny part was that the night before we had gone to Mongolian BBQ and gotten fortune cookies.  All three said the same thing: "A surprise will titillate you and frighten you but you will accept it." Really weird!

We had no idea how we would afford another baby.  Damon is the only one of us with insurance currently. Nic was planning on heading back to school in the fall of 2013, but suddenly we were trying to get him there sooner and figure out how we would pay off our debts. We thought we should move to Great Falls to be close to my mom, so she could help me out with Damon and the new baby when it came, so he started looking for jobs. It was either that or go to school earlier, but he wanted the options. Also, the perinatalogist that has treated me at the end of my last pregnancy is there, and I had no idea what might happen. It was possible I could carry to 40 weeks with no complications, but there was a 1 in 4 chance that I would get HELLP again. I could have another preemie.

Obviously something had gone wrong with the vasectomy, or it had grown back despite being cut, cauterized and tied, a 1 in about 3500 chance. We had him tested again and he was indeed fertile. Unfortunately, they wouldn't know what happened unless they did the procedure again, and we would once again have to pay full price.  So that is currently out of the question.

We drove to Great Falls the next week to tell my family that we were unexpectedly expecting. Of course we were met with shock, but also offers of help and we do make cute babies. ;)  Unfortunately, the night before we were supposed to leave, Damon was having breathing problems and we had to take him to the ER. We spent most of the next day there, my mom bought him a nebulizer that we could keep, and we were able to return home. They can't diagnose it yet, but I imagine he may have some asthma problems as he grows. I did when I was little and grew out of it. Anyway, that was stressful and we were happy to be able to go home.

In the car, we talked a lot about what this new baby would mean for us. I think both of us hoped it would be a girl, although we would love either! We thought of names that would go well with Damon. We were finally coming to terms with the fact that this was happening. It had taken about two weeks to overcome the shock of finding out that things were going to be very different than we expected.

That night I started spotting. Just a teeny, tiny bit. I called an OB-GYN here and she had be come in to give blood for an HCG test. I would return two days later to see if the number went up (indicating a growing baby) or down (a miscarriage.) The bleeding increased and I was not feeling very hopeful that our baby had survived. I had experienced a miscarriage once before and I was not looking forward to the pain of another one. The cramping is horrible and the whole thing is just sad. After my second blood test, we found out that I had indeed miscarried at 6 weeks.

Suddenly, everything was back to normal. We didn't have to move, we didn't have to worry about my health... we were going to stay a family of three.  I think both of us feel a little guilty for being relieved.  We did not want another baby... but, we did want that baby, if that makes sense.  The emotional roller coaster that few weeks was beyond ridiculous. It was scary, stressful, exciting and ultimately, sad. I am debating going back on birth control pills, as we need something reliable and my skin was always pretty good when I was on them. It is just a matter of finding one that doesn't make me crazy... so that could be a project.  I am so embarrassed about my skin now.

A week or so after my miscarriage, Nic slipped at work and the injury aggravated an ACL injury he sustained in high school.  He has been in a lot of pain, and just last week he had surgery to repair the ACL and stabilize his knee. This pic is before he went in.

As I type this, things don't seem so bad.  I guess it depends on the day.  I have a wonderful husband and beautiful little boy that I love SO so much. We have each other. And I know we will get through whatever life throws at us. September just wasn't a good month at all! I'm really hoping for no big surprises for awhile!!